It's strange...even on my "off days" (the ones where I don't count calories and don't try to control my eating) I'm not doing so bad. Today was a day where I didn't really pay too much attention. But when all was said and done I only had 1350 calories and 35 grams of fat. Honestly, that's about where I normally eat calorie-wise and fat-wise. Pretty convenient.

Determined that this week I will be good. Determined that for the next month I will be good and will go to Hawaii feeling great about myself. Leaving January 8th. Enough time to lose 5 pounds? Not bloody likely, but I'll give it my best shot...how's that? Means healthy eating, yoga-ing, and actually going to the bloody gym. Maybe some snowboarding too? :)

So Thanksgiving has come and gone. And my god did I eat a lot. Being the person who was cooking the meal on the actual day itself definitely helped (in general if I'm doing the cooking then I don't eat as much). But oh there was tons and tons of gravy left and I have absolutely no self-control when it comes to gravy. I think I probably ate about 3000 calories worth of gravy over the past couple days. I actually got so freaked out about the quantity that I was eating that I just threw the rest of it away. Not the most mature solution, but hey...nobody's going to notice. And now there's all this leftover turkey in the fridge, which I actually think I'm going to put into a salad for dinner tonight because I NEED VEGETABLES.

Yeah. All in all it was a definite success. I managed not to eat to the point of making myself sick. But I also haven't exercised at all in a week. Oh well, just have to get back on the wagon tomorrow.

I can do this. Just because I screwed up for a little while doesn't mean that I can't get back into my good habits. I can totally do this.

I just don't have enough exercise in my life, I think that's really what it comes down to. Obviously yoga four times a week and all the walking that I do are good, but there needs to be more. I never go to the gym, which is stupid because I paid for the membership and everything. I think, though, that if I actually can manage to up my exercise then I'd be able to lose weight much more easily. Shit, just doing yoga as much as I have been has really been helping. But now I need to make it to the next level.

Go to gym. Do it!!!

For the first time in a really long time I am not freaking out about this. For the first time in a really long time I am not doubting myself. See, I really CAN do this...I'm not just saying that. I really can live my life the way that I want to instead of feeling in a panic and struggling the way that my mother always does. This does not have to be a life-long battle for me. I just have to nip this in the bud right now, make myself have healthy eating and exercise habits, and then I'll be ok.

It's amazing what a little bit of self-confidence can do for you.

Ok. I went to yoga the past four days in a row. Four...in a row... I don't think I've felt this good about myself and the rest of the world in years.

And, yesterday I went to The Gap to try on some pants. I wear a size 6 in their slacks. In fact, I got myself a new pair of pants and I'm wearing them right now. Size 6 and not snug at all.

Am I amazing or what? I can feel my life changing every single day.

I'm loving life right now! Caloric intake low, energy spent high! I feel fabulous!

I wasn't thinking about the upcoming holidays, but then I read someone else's blog and now I'm in a bit of a panic.

This year my parents and J's mom are coming to our house for Thanksgiving, which means that I'm doing all the cooking. This should be great, because it means that I can cut calories left and right, and fill the meal with veggies instead of other things. Except that I can't do that. For me Thanksgiving is about two things: biscuits and gravy. Neither one of these things is healthy. How can you have really good mashed potatoes without using a metric-assload of butter? How can you not make an unbelievable apple pie?

I know that I shouldn't worry too much about how much I'm going to eat. My stomach has been shrinking a lot as of late, so I can't even pack that much in there anymore. And besides, my caloric intake has been hovering between 1000-1200 for like the last week or so. Maybe this will be little enough that I shouldn't have to worry about how much I'm going to eat on Turkey Day?

I don't know. I just feel like my metabolism has to be unbelievably slow. I know it's getting faster, because I can actually feel it. Now instead of feeling full for four hours after I eat, I'm ready to eat again in two hours. It's definitely good, I've turned much more into a 5 small-meals-per-day person. But still...I feel like I'm always working off at least 500 calories per day, I'm only intaking like 1200 max, but I'm not losing enough weight.

J says what I need to do is get better on the weight machines. He says I should stop doing heavy lifting because that's just for bulk-building, which I really don't need (at least not on my legs). He says that what I should be doing is tons of reps on a lighter weight, because that's what tones. Who knew? I'm so uneducated on this stuff that all the littlest tips help! So I guess now my plan is to do exactly that. Too bad though, because I was very excited about my 200 lb. leg press.

Yeah. And now that I've babbled on forever, I think I'm outta here.

One last thing though. I feel like I've made some real progress. Yoga for the last three days in a row. Amazing. And the fact that I'm not going to go today is kinda making me feel shitty, so I might just give in to the desire and do it anyways. I'm sore, but not as sore as I thought I would be. Honestly, I feel amazing. I feel energized and happy and mellow and like I'm really doing this, instead of just saying that I'm going to. Something gave and now I think I'm really on my way.

Oh yeah...one more thing. I think I need access to a better scale. As far as I can tell I'm not losing any weight, but I'm definitely getting smaller. None of my pants fit anymore (even the ones that used to be too small). Saw myself in the full-length mirror at the gym yesterday and had a moment of "Damn, I look good." Best feeling ever.

Went to B&C yesterday and WALKED BY the chocolate-covered almonds. Saw that they were there, had a moment of pure lust, and then walked on. I have to remember what it was like giving up smoking...that the want of cigarettes was nearly as enjoyable as the cigarettes themselves. Food can be like that too.

And besides, I have to keep my calorie intake super low this week because next week is binge time. God I love Thanksgiving. There are very few things in the world that I love as much as sweet-potato biscuits and gravy.

Yoga the past two nights. Maybe tonight as well, if I can bring myself to walk away from homework long enough to go. My flexibility is increasing in leaps and bounds, as is my strength. My back muscles are getting more of a workout than they've ever had before, so they're sore ALL the time. Kinda sucks, but I know that in the long run it will be better for me.

It's nice to have this little journal to catalogue all my thoughts on this subject. This way I don't feel the need to talk about it all the time. Extremely helpful.

972 calories yesterday and I wasn't hungry at all. This should show me that my body really can handle eating less than I have been.

I know that having that few calories really can't be healthy for me, but damn does it feel good. And besides, in my working out yesterday I worked off half of those calories. That's how it should be, right?

I can do this...I can do this...I can do this...I can do this...

The only thing holding me back from looking the way I want to look is myself. If I can just get over what is going on in my head then everything will be ok.

I can do this...I can do this...I can do this...I can do this...

Yoga tonight, tomorrow, and Wednesday. Skipping ballet/kickboxing tomorrow because at this point it's really only yoga that appeals. Should definitely find my way to the gym at least twice this week and do stationary bike/treadmill. Gotta try and up the cardio.

I can do this...I can do this...I can do this...I can do this...

Have enough healthy food in the house that I don't have to resort to eating cheese. If I want something solid when I get home from yoga then I'll have rice. Other than that...those mangoes are looking pretty good and ready to eat. Have one for a snack.

I can do this...I can do this...I can do this...I can do this...

Sometimes I freak out thinking I'm so fat, lazy, unattractive, undesirable, etc.

But the truth is, I ain't so bad off.

I'm not fat, not even close. About three years ago I weighed 40 pounds more than I do now. So, hopefully, nothing will ever compare to that.

I might be lazy, but I'm really actively working on it. I didn't have enough money to go to yoga this morning, so I did it at home on my living room floor. And besides, I live with the man who invented laziness...I should just remember to keep him in mind when I start freaking out.

Unattractive? Undesirable? Are you kidding? That pimple on my chin is character. Do you hear me? CHARACTER!!! I think the problem comes in that when I feel like crap about myself I am less attractive (which in turn makes me feel worse about myself, which in turn makes me feel less attractive ... you see the pattern).

For me this whole thing is mental. If I could just get over a couple of things then everything would be ok and I know I'd be able to lose the weight I want to lose. So I'll make another list of things to remember...

-I AM NOT MY MOTHER. This does not have to be a life-long battle for me.
-I don't need the food I think I need.
-Just because J is lazy doesn't mean I should be. Wanna go salsa dancing/hiking/rock climbing but he doesn't? Go by your damn self.
-The only way that I'm going to see results is if I stick with something...give it a freakin' chance.
-Truly exerting myself is not going to kill me, even if it feels like it's going to.
-I can breathe. I used to do it very well and, hopefully, I'll be able to do it again.

Ok, things that I want to do...goals, one might say:

-actually go to the gym for treadmill, stationary bike, elliptical machine, and weights twice a week
-yoga EVERY SINGLE Monday and Wednesday, and Saturday when I've gotten enough sleep on Friday night
-always walk for an hour a day (not that much more than I do now)
-decide either to stick with ballet or give it up, but no more pussy-footing around the issue
-kickboxing every week

And food goals:

-give up the chocolate-covered almonds!!!!
-remember that the margarine is just supposed to be for cooking...don't need it on every single english muffin
-have fruits, veggies, and very low-calorie carbs for snacks...no more cheese!
-work on low-calorie dinner options, more vegetables, etc.
-salad once a week for dinner, maybe Wednesdays after early yoga class
-increase knowledge of cooking veggies...shouldn't be hard with all the new veggie cookbooks
-only eat out when you know there's a valid low-calorie option for you (namely...only eat sushi)

But more than anything else, there's this: I just don't feel like I'm really giving myself a chance. As soon as I see some change in my body I just give up and stop working so hard. I'm never going to get the results that I want if that's how I handle it. I have to be actually putting some effort in. Just give yourself a chance.

I LOVE YOGA!!!!

I know, I talk about it all the time, but it's true! I love it more every single time I go. It's like being high except that I feel great when I come down instead of terrible. Amazing. Can't get enough of it.

And, by the way, yesterday I didn't go for a long walk. Some friends of mine called me up and asked me to go to yoga with them. As it turns out, I'm so addicted to yoga now that there was no way I could have said no. Probably a long walk would have been nice, but I went to yoga instead.

My mom gave me some interesting insight recently. She read this blog o' mine and said that something I mentioned earlier was incorrect. I was falsely saying that the weight she's been carrying around with her is baby weight, from when I was born. But as it turns out, it's not baby weight ... it's happy weight. She, like me, eats when she's happy.

See, I moved to California when I was 18 and for the first time in my life found myself really happy. I was in a relationship with a boy who couldn't have cared less what my body looked like, I had amazing friends, I felt good about myself, and I was just happy with everything in general. And this was when I started gaining weight.

The problem comes into the picture when we start talking about losing the weight though. Sure, it started off as happy weight, but it's continued as unhappy weight. Finding myself miserable with the way that I looked, I just continued eating and never exercising. The happy weight turned into sad weight, which just ended up with more sad weight on top of it.

But now here I am, miserable and doing something about it. So something has changed, right? I've improved at least a little, right?

What is it about being depressed? I either can't stomach food at all because it tastes like sawdust, or I have to eat as much chocolate as I possibly can. Generally my depression starts with not being able to eat and ends with eating chocolate though, which isn't good.

When the rest of my life is falling apart, how am I supposed to have the energy to work out?

I think I'll just go for a nice long walk.

I had a dream last night about gorging myself on chocolate. I woke up feeling sick to my stomach and sweating profusely, guilty as hell. But when I realized it was a dream, it was a like a new beginning.

Most amazing.

And last night A and I went and tried the higher level class (all-levels as opposed to beginning-level) taught by my favorite yoga teacher. It was incredible! It was so hard that I definitely had to break pose sometimes. There were poses that neither A nor I had ever even heard of (bird of paradise??????). But it was amazing as well. I've gotten to the point in the beginner's level classes that I can now pretty much do everything that's put in front of me. Sure, I'm definitely not doing everything perfectly, but I can do it all. Last night there were a couple of poses that my body couldn't even begin to comprehend. And besides, instead of getting out of class at 9, I was home at 8, which meant that I was wide awake and could eat a full dinner without feeling guilty because it was so late at night. It was great and I can't wait to go again! I loved it!

Here's what I want: I want to be a better version of me. This better version of me doesn't actually have to be skinnier, but she has to be stronger...she has to work harder...she has to be faster...she has to last longer...she has to be better.

I can do this. I can do this. I am stronger than I think I am. I can do this.

Last week at yoga I had an amazing realization that I think is going to help me change my life. See, I realized that I never really TRY anything. I think I'm trying it, but I never really put my all into attempting anything. I think it's always been this way too...that I would rather be mediocre at anything than even attempt to be great at it and fail. I guess I've always figured that the thing I'm going to be great at will just show up at some point so that I won't ever have to work for it. Seems pretty sad.

So this is my new goal: I'm going to work on really putting my back into things. I'm not going to say that I'm trying something unless I'm really trying. I'm going to work my ass off to get better at everything I want to be better at. I'm going to take the time to realize that greatness is not just going to fall into my lap, I have to make it happen.

Last night at yoga I gave it a try. I decided that my goal was to not break a single pose...to not wimp out. And I didn't. I did the entire class without giving in to my weakness once. Admittedly, I still did 5 bridges instead of doing wheels, but that's for a valid reason. See, during the sun salutations I was taking high to low push-up seriously so by the time we got to bridge/wheel, my arms wouldn't have been able to hold me up. But honestly, that doesn't matter. What matters is that I did everything and I did it the absolute best that I could.

And I'm feeling pretty damn proud of myself.