Tuesday, November 14, 2006

the end is very fucking nigh

I have about 1.5 weeks left until my due date. That's days ... DAYS! Ack. On the one hand, get this baby out of me ASAP. I'd like to be able to breathe or sleep through the night without getting up to pee several times or lie down without having unbelievably bad heartburn. I'd like to be able to touch my own toes or get up from a sitting position unaided.

Let me tell ya, this whole pregnancy shit is exhausting and totally sucky.

But then on the other hand, am I actually ready to be a mother? No, of course not. I know that you're never really ready. I know that no amount of preparation on my part could have made me any more ready than I am right now, but it's still hard to think about the fact that I'm going to make mistakes and screw stuff up. I am really not good at being mediocre. I'd rather not do something at all than do a mediocre job. So maybe being a parent will cure me of that.

I am so excited to meet this child. Every day I have moments of sheer panic and terror. But then I remember that at the end of this road I get to meet this child ... my child ... who I want more than anything in the world. This baby is half me and half the love of my life. It's going to be beautiful and amazing and strange and incredible and every single day for as long as I know this child will be a journey. I feel lucky that the little thing is going to show up and teach me about the world.

So, in answer to your question, my dear Faye, I have no idea how I'm doing. I'm in the midst of a huge emotional rollercoaster, which doesn't seem to have an end in sight. I'm swollen and pissy (both literally and figuratively) and exhausted and impatient and emotional and it should all be coming to a head rather soon.

Hopefully. Because I can't stand much more of this crap.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Heather said...

Oh my goodness, 1.5 weeks?! Good luck! I wish I could be there to offer help and support, but I'll be thinking of you all the way over here.

Oh my goodness. You're embarking on this huge adventure that none of the rest of us really know much about. How terrifyingly scary and wonderful, both at the same time!

I'll be sending good thoughts.

Hugs,

Heather

7:33 AM  

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