Thursday, September 30, 2004

And then the most amazing thing happened ...

I went to the gym and everything became ok. As soon as I hopped on the treadmill and got myself warm and the endorphins started flowing then it was all alright. It didn't matter what was happening in my life outside of the gym, all that was important at that moment in time was me and my feet and the strange twinging soreness in my right hip and working on figuring out my breathing pattern. All my internal voices (guilt, self-deprication, sadness, pain, exhaustion, anxiety) just disappeared. I guess I always knew, somewhere deep down inside, why people run. But now I know for me. Good god it felt amazing. I want to do it again, right now.

I figured out my breathing! In for four steps through the nose, our for four steps through the mouth. The only times that I felt at all out of breath were when I was walking, but that's just because it was interrupting my breathing flow.

Right now I'm feeling a strange combination of drained and elated.

I feel drained in that I have no idea what I'm going to do about my relationship with J. I have no idea where this is going to go. I have no idea where it can go! Daniel (my therapist) says that I tend to think of everything in black and white, so it's either stay with J for the rest of my life or get rid of him now. He says there are other options, you know, and that it would be good if I could figure some of them out and try to keep them in mind. But it all just seems so black and white to me. I obviously need to spend some time figure out what those other options are.

I feel elated because for the first time in a really long time I have a good handle on who I am. I have a direction and a purpose and some passions and I'm full of ideas and thoughts and plans. And I know who I want to be! That's the biggest deal for me. I have this unbelievably clear picture in my mind of who I want to be. Truth be told, I'm not far off. I have some stuff I still need to work on. I have some time that still needs to be spent. But believe you me, I'm well on my way.


Blogger Mia Goddess said...

Margaret - First, awesome about the running! That's two huge deals - first, that you love it, and second, that you can now breathe during it. Very nicely done! Okay the second thing is, I wanted to tell you that I quit smoking just over 10 years ago. My DH (boyfriend back then) HATED it. The smoke jacked his contacts, he did not smoke, he hated the smell in his car, the health risks, etc. I love(d)him more than air, and I wanted to do anything for him, and still, it was 2 full years before I could actually quit for good. Keep in mind, people who have kicked heroin will sit in their Narcotics Anonymous meetings, puffing away on their Camel nonfilters. It's a very very very hard thing to do, to give up nicotine. I mean, you still need to make your decisions, but just so you know, I doubt he's doing this because he doesn't care about you or your feelings. Good luck! *hugs* - Mia

6:59 PM  

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