Monday, July 24, 2006

my two selves

  • I just got married to the man I love, after ten years of loving him.
  • I'm having a child, which has been my number one goal in life for as long as I can remember.
  • I'm moving to another state so I can live in a new place, something I enjoy doing.
  • My brain is filled with hundreds of different awesome plans for how to make my life better right now and for the rest of it.
  • My creative juices are flowing.
  • I'm happy!
  • I just got married ... and sometimes I want to kill my husband. This is nothing new, but it's something I think about a lot. And now, of course, I'm legally bound to him and it would take a lawyer for us to break up.
  • I'm having a child. Excuse me? Me? Who's brilliant fucking idea was it to let me have a child? There's no chance in hell this baby will turn out to be anything other than unbelievably screwed up. Trust me, I can guarantee it.
  • I'm moving to another state. Where I don't yet have a place to live or a job to go to. Great. Super spectacular planning on my part, eh? And what makes me think that I'm going to be able to function in a place where my support network is almost non-existant?
  • My brain is filled with awesome plans of stuff to do but I'm barely doing any of it. When was the last time I went to yoga, huh? I've got all these big dreams of the person I want to be and I have no idea how to manifest them. Not so cool.
  • My creative juices are flowing. Ok, and have I finished any projects recently? No ... I think not. Instead I'm just filled with fabulous ideas for awesome things that I'm starting and not finishing. Yippee.
  • I'm happy. Sure, I guess, for right now. But I'm pregnant and my emotions are being hormonally driven all over the map so it's going to change in any second. What's the point of pretending that this is going to last?
  • Of course this is scary. Moving is never easy and, from what I hear, neither is having a baby. But I am so excited about doing both things that I am absolutely positive they will be worth it. Just because it's scary doesn't mean that I shouldn't do it.
  • I have to remember that being lazy doesn't pay off in the long run. Everything in my life would run more easily if I gave more energy to doing things than I do to freaking out. That is not an opinion, it's a statement of fact. So work on giving energy where energy is due. And remember how satisfying it is to see a job well done.
  • Also, remember that there are few things more satisfying than seeing something through to its end. This goes for the scarf I started last winter, the dress I started three weeks ago, packing up my apartment, and the baby growing inside me.
  • No relationship has ever been easy and I would never want to be in one that was. While J might drive me nuts he is also the most amazing person I've ever met, who amazes me in a hundred different ways every day. So though I might sometimes want to kill him, this is worthwhile. Our saying a couple of vows to each other didn't actually change anything about our relationship, it just made it more solid. We weren't leaving anyway, so the fact that we'd now need lawyers means nothing.
  • I am happy. I am also sad and angry and frustrated and tired and exhilarated and hysterical and amused and peaceful and blank. But that's just who I am ... it's who I've always been. My being pregnant just means that I am a more likely to be the extremes of all those things and I am more likely to find myself switching between them for what seems like no reason at all. Ain't no thing, as long as I can keep in mind that the reasons behind it are good.
  • And last but not least, I am going to be a good mother. I will love this child with everything I have. And even though there will be rough patches this child will grow up to be wonderful and amazing and brilliant and beautiful and will enhance my life as I enhance its. I need to remember how lucky I am that this baby chose me. I need to remember that what I am doing is the absolute pinnacle of what human beings can do and that every single day I should be thankful for the tiny life growing inside of me ... because this truly is a miracle.


Blogger Lauren said...

Yes, a miracle! I'm glad your entry ended with this.

I was just leafing through my Alex Grey book, and came across the print he did (which is oil on linen - how cool is that?) called 'Nursing'. Here's his explanation, which I think is just beautiful:

'The bonding of mother and child is a miraculous outpouring of unobstructed love channeled through the mortal coil. Nursing is the physical bond of nourishment - mother is the first meal, she is the key to life. Between mother and child, there are also bio-electromagnetic bonds, emotional and psychic bondings, and ultimately the spiritual bond that brought them together.'


10:19 PM  
Anonymous roopa said...

beautiful and exciting.. and i'm happy for you that you're seeing a middle way as well

3:25 PM  

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