Tuesday, July 17, 2007

limbo ...

I'm still feeling like I'm in limbo these days. I'm ... well ... I'm at a loss for what to do with my life.

But there are some things I know for certain:

- I'm hysterically happy to be moving back to Boston. Must go home ... no two ways about that.

- I have A LOT of support out there. Basically everybody thinks that whatever I decide to do is the right thing. Obviously there are people pushing for me to make a decision in a particular direction, but they've also expressed support for whatever I choose to do. That's really comforting to know.

- I *am* stronger than I've ever been before. I feel like I'm totally capable of making whatever decision needs to be made. Could be the hardest thing I've ever done, but right now I'm actually able to do it.

- My son is the most wonderful, incredible, exhausting, beautiful, brilliant person I've ever met. He will challenge me for the rest of my life and I find that to be intensely awesome. He is also the best reason I've ever had for doing anything, so if I figure out that something in my life needs to be changed for his sake, I will change it.

- The funny thing about relationships is that in the grand scheme of life only one of the really matters ... the one each of us has with ourself. So although that is the relationship in my life which most easily falls to the wayside, that has to change. I will be a better friend, wife, lover, mother, and all-around human being if I can improve the relationship I have with myself.

- Talking really helps. I have a habit of discussing only pieces of the hard stuff and glossing over anything that's REALLY bad, even with my absolute best friends. But I have recently been very openly talking about what's going on in my life with everyone. And the honesty that's been coming back to me has been amazing. It's true: if you put it out into the universe, it comes back to you. Honesty breeds honesty.

- Therapy is about the most awesome thing ever. The above mentioned honesty? Entirely due to my therapist. She's incredible and I feel like I've been learning tons and tons about myself since I started seeing her. She will be the main thing I miss about Vermont.

- Having things that I'm doing on my own, for myself, is super helpful. I've got a job that I'm loving right now, and it's entirely for me, and it's making me joyous. I need more things like that. I need to get better at taking a break from Darwin and going and doing my own thing. Even if J's not the most enthusiastic person about being left alone with our son (which is SO odd in its own right) and is therefore not necessarily providing the level of care I want for the little man, *I* really need the time for myself. Without it I will go nuts.

- And, finally, writing is awesome. Be it actually journaling or internet journaling, it's really good for me to get it down, get it written, get it out of my head. It helps me process. It helps me let go. It helps.


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