Tuesday, June 24, 2008

the journey

You may have noticed that I haven't been chronicling my yoga adventure as much as everyone would like. I apologize for that.

Well, folks, it's unbelievably difficult. I've been encountering about a million different roadblocks in myself and in the people around me. I am almost positive that both my husband and my best friend don't actually want me to succeed in this. Weird, right? And maybe I'm just being paranoid, but it does sometimes seem like they'd rather have me fat, unhappy, and available to them than have me at a healthy weight, happier with myself, and not around as much. I guess I understand to a certain extent, but I was hoping that it wouldn't be true.

As for myself, the problem that I inevitably run into with anything is that I'm terrified of actually trying. I am so afraid of both success and failure that I just don't do anything. I was hoping that doing this yoga workshop would be a catalyst for changing that, and to a certain extent is has done just that. It's got me really thinking about what I do and why and how I want to change those things. That's good. It's a good start. It means I'm on my way to healing this part of myself that I really, really want to change.

The hardest part of this was that I got sick with a virus for two weeks and when I went to go see my doctor she said that I was suffering from exhaustion and that I needed to take a break. This in and of itself was a wonderful lesson because that's something I pretty much refuse to do in my life. I don't believe in giving myself a break, taking naps, etc, and I've been running on less than six hours sleep/night for about two years now. It's time I figured out how to be productive and how to rest. It was a very frustrating lesson, but also a very yogic one.

My food habits are also changing, but slowly, slowly, slowly. I've been reading and thinking and talking about food A LOT recently.

I read Michael Pollan's In Defense of Food and loved every single page of it. It's an incredible book, not just because it's so jam-packed full of information, but also because he's a good enough writer that it manages to be a page-turner. And I'm halfway through Nina Planck's Real Food, which is also awesome. Planck is an absolute fountain of information, but she can't write anywhere near as well as Pollan. Oh well, not everybody can be that cool.

Because of these books I'm working really hard on having my family eat real food. It's very hard to make the switch from crackers and goldfish for snacks for Darwin to carrots and blueberries, but that's what I'm working towards. I've been trying to prepare more foods so that I know what's in what we're eating and so that we're buying less, which means I've been working on making our own bread and yogurt. And when we do buy food I'm trying really hard to have it contain all identifiable ingredients, no preservatives, etc. I'm also working on cutting out all "fake" food from my diet, which is much harder than it seems. For me it means no more Earth Balance buttery spread or meat replacers and not as much processed sugar, all of which I love a lot. It's sad to see them go, but will inevitably be much better for me in the long run.

The thing that's stopping me up from being absolutely perfect with my food is that I have no self-control. If there is something sweet nearby, I will eat it. And if there is nothing sweet nearby and I start thinking about sweet things then I have to go and find something. When I say addiction I can say it with certainty, because I know what addiction feels lik ... the way that my body and mind relate to sugar is almost exactly the same way that they related to smoking. My goal in relation to sugar is to simply think about what I put into my mouth before I do it, figure out if I actually need it or not, and then go from there. Just because I want it doesn't mean that it's necessary, and that something important to keep in mind.

We joined a CSA for the first time this year with some of our friends and it is turning out to be the most amazing thing we've ever done. Our pickup day is Wednesdays, so we've starting doing weekly dinners on Wednesdays, filled with all the vegetables we picked up that week. Last week we had 8 people for dinner and every single person who was there participated in the meal in one way or another. It was an actual community communal dinner. It made me so happy that I wanted to cry (yeah, I'm a sap). True community is hard to find in today's world and there, on my back porch, I found some for a minute. It was a blessing.

I'm hoping that once this yoga workshop is over I will continue on in my practice. No. Hope isn't the right word there. I am GOING to continue on in my practice. If I can keep going three times a week then I will be hysterically happy. And I think I may try to do this workshop again in a little while, maybe later this year. It's definitely a worthwhile experience, but I'm afraid that due to sickness and roadblocks I haven't actually gained from it all that I could have. I'd like to have the opportunity to try again.

And that, my friends, is the update on my yoga journey.

Much love.


Blogger faye said...

Um. Wow. Every time you go blogger quiet for awile, you emerge with some kind of revelation that blows my mind a little.

Isn't it true that people around us often subconsciously want us to stay the way we are...and I'm sure we do it to them in unknown ways, too. My husband is my biggest enabler when it comes to treats, etc.

Not that it is hard to sway me!

I love what you are doing with food. I am a meat replacement total junkie, I have to admit...

Peace little Margaret :)

4:07 PM  

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