Thursday, February 19, 2004

It's been a while since I've written and it's because I've been embarassed about my performance over the last couple weeks. See, I've been COMPLETELY slacking off. School and relationship have been hard enough that I've been unbelievably stressed out. And in my stress I've taken to hermit-ing myself in my house and not interacting with the outside world. This also means that I've been forsaking my precious yoga and the gym. What a slacker I've been.

And here's the worst part. See, I used to be anorexic. It wasn't the worst that it could have been and I'm willing to admit that, but there were definitely anorexic tendencies in me. For about a year I survived on a diet of nothing but a bagel and a small carton of orange juice per day. Honestly, that's it. And shit ... I weighed under a hundred pounds and the truth is that when I looked in the mirror I still saw a VERY lumpy body. Aargh. But see, the problem comes in with the starvation feeling. It's a feeling that I used to love desperately and it's a feeling that, in the last couple of weeks, with all the stress going on in my life, I've begun to enjoy again. There's just something that I really enjoy about knowing that my body is craving food and that I'm not giving it any. I like the feeling of intense pain that comes along with not eating for a long time. I like it and that really worries me.

I've always been kind of a pain junkie. I have this habit of going and getting pierced whenever things in my life are really bad. I'm currently down to only 6 piercings but I used to have 14. Life's been difficult occasionally. Huh. Maybe that's the solution to this problem though. Maybe the next time I'm feeling stressed out and like I need to starve myself for a while I should instead go and get something pierced. And then come home and eat a gigantic salad.

It's a strange situation to be in ... knowing that what I'm doing isn't good for my body but also knowing how much better it makes me feel about everything else that's going on.


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