Tuesday, March 09, 2004

My god I've been eating badly recently! Jeepers, it's been terrible! I've been not paying attention to anything that's been going on with my body, completely ignoring its requests for healthy foods, and filling it up with nasty shit. J's mom got us this loaf of whole wheat bread the other day and as she handed it to me she said, "This is really delicious with butter." I keep a container of fake butter (with no partially hydrogenated stuff in it) in the fridge for exactly this sort of occasion. But did I pull that out? No...I instead pulled out a stick of butter and ate the bread with that. Real butter...I haven't fallen that low in a long time. I wanted ice cream and wasn't just satisfied with that...had to have hot fudge sauce too.

Aargh. I've been giving in to my sweet-tooth at every possible opportunity. I went over to a friend's house last night and ate pasta with white sauce which, while delicious, was really only made out of butter and cheese. There was a salad sitting right there staring at me too! And what did I do...I ignored it and instead ate the buttery cheesy deliciousness.

And it's been going on this way for weeks now.

The problem that I have is that it's so hard to change this behavior once it starts. Now that I've decided I'm going to I'm really going to be fighting with my body for a while. Now, after dinner, when I start craving something sweet, I'm going to have to actively tell my body to shut up because it's not going to get anything. Now when I wake up and want some bread with butter, I have to withhold it from myself. I fully believe that in time I should be allowed these delicious treats in moderation, but for a while at least I need to completely withhold them from myself. I know how I work and that's the only thing that's going to get me in line.

In high school I gave up chocolate for a year. For me it was a choice between eating it ALL THE TIME or eating it never. I actually might have to do that again. Seems like it may be the only option that works for me.

And other than that, my yoga date cancelled on me for the evening, so I might go and try out the spinning class at my gym. I've been wanting to try it for a while and just haven't had the courage to go and do it. I am unbelievably bad and trying new things like this, but I can't let that stop me anymore. I have to suck it up and get my ass into the game. Who cares if I look like a dumbass doing it the first time? Of course I do, I've never done it before, right? I'm sure everyone looked like a dumbass their first time. So that just makes me normal. Yay!


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