Tuesday, October 12, 2004

I've been slacking pretty hardcore recently, so it's time to get back to it. Honestly though, slacking is a little too harsh. There were definitely some days when I just didn't want to do anything and, on the advice of friends, decided not to ... and then over the weekend I hurt my neck while I was sleeping so I didn't do anything for a couple days because of that ... and there was the wedding which meant that everything was all busy and hectic. Etc, etc, etc. Basically, I haven't done anything for about a week, but there's good (ish) reasons for all of it.

Ordered myself three running books from Amazon yesterday. Hoping that having something to read about running will cause me to stay inspired and, hopefully, teach me a couple of things. Everybody's always talking about over vs. under pronating while running. And while I know what those words mean (thank you, MTI) I guess I don't really understand what they mean in terms of running. Ah, it's just an entirely new set of terminology, words, and expressions that I have to learn. I'm hoping that reading about it all will help.

And on a completely different subject ...

My anxiety has been SO bad recently. Aargh. I'm back to having problems swallowing because it's gotten that bad again. Honestly, I can't figure out why! J and I had a discussion/argument the other night during which I had a full-blown panic attack (gasping for air and all that jazz). That, of course, makes more sense. But I was feeling totally panicky at the wedding, for no good reason whatsoever. And just sitting on my couch, or trying to fall asleep, or going grocery shopping. Makes no sense.

I think that the problem I'm having is that I've forgotten how to relax. Even when I'm sitting around doing nothing I'm still thinking about school or relationship, neither of which is a particularly relaxing subject. And most of my relaxation avenues are now null and void ... I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I'm just too hyped up all the time to chill out. It's really annoying. I just feel like it's a viscious circle: I can't relax so I get anxious which means I can't relax so I get anxious, etc. It's just really starting to wear me down. I'm exhausted from being so amped up and anxious all the time. I need to figure this out.

Anyway. As you can see this isn't really a well thought out subject. It's just so muddled up there in my brain when it comes to this shit. I honestly just have to find a way to relax. Hopefully yoga will do wonders for me tonight.


Blogger Lauren said...

Oh man, I hear you about the anxiety. I'm so sorry you've been dealing with it a lot lately, too. It's truly the worst feeling. I'm hoping that yoga helps... when I get in these phases, it totally helps to reinstate the physical activity. Makes a pretty big difference - I think that's what I've been feeling too.
So the real question is... how to stay motivated? I think buying the running books will help. Any sort of reminder of the activities you could be doing is a good idea; though I think it's important (and so hard) not to feel guilty if you're not doing them all the time.

Man, life blows sometimes, eh? Jeez.

6:33 PM  
Blogger Mia Goddess said...

A close friend of mine has been dealing with anxiety attacks, well, it turns out for basically her whole life. Except when she was younger she just thought she had, for example, debilitating homesickness. In fact, she was having attacks even at slumber parties and college. Anyway, she is 36 now, and she's been really wanting to be "done with it", I'm sure you can relate - I'm not going to be able to describe it with any kind of sincerity but I know I feel it when she says it.

She began taking medication, but felt pretty "medicated" and also wasn't crazy about the side effects, so she stopped that. She has also started talking to a therapist to try and figure some stuff out. Okay, so the whole point of all this long comment, is to say that through these different things, she came across some information on diet and anxiety. I know you've lost a lot of weight, but I mean diet more like the strictest sense, being just what you eat. I don't know if this is something you've looked into at all, but here's a link to a quick overview. http://www.ivillagehealth.com/features/eatforwellness/articles/0,,411884_421569-1,00.html
I don't even know if it's legitimate, I just know it "spoke" to her.

Oh, and on the running, I had a one-week "hiatus" recently, and though I dreaded that first run back, it felt awesome! I guess sometimes the body responds well to some rest. Go figure.


9:53 PM  
Blogger Megan said...

Hey Margaret,

I've had problems with free-floating anxiety before, and medication and therapy helped me. I also tried meditation for a while in the mornings, along with journalling in the morning, at that seemed to smooth the rest of the day some. Still, it sucks. Sometimes, just taking an action, making a decision -- no matter how small, can make you feel like you have some agency in your own life and can cut down on some of those overwhelming feelings as well. Like, decide you're going to go for a walk, and do it, or schedule to see a friend, and follow-through, or decide to take a weekend trip and then go. For me, small things like this get the momentum going in other parts of my life and help lessen my anxiety, which is generally all about feeling adrift and directionless.

2:33 PM  

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