Thursday, October 14, 2004

I've got a whole bunch of stuff to say and it's not particularly organized, so today I'm going to be working with bullets.

- Ok, I don't know how to say this without sounding bitchy, so I'm just going to spit it out and hope you understand that I'm not being mean. This blog, for me, has mostly replaced my writing in my paper journal, which means that this is pretty much the innermost workings of my brain. And honestly, for the most part, I don't want to talk about the innermost workings of my brain. I gave you the address for this blog so that you could read it, understand me better, and I definitely don't regret that. But I want you to understand that I don't really want to talk about it. I want you to treat me in exactly the same way that you would if you weren't reading this, ok? Please understand that I don't intend this to be mean at all. I don't want you to feel bad, I don't want you to apologize, but I do need you to understand. I love the fact that you're reading it and gaining a better understanding of who I am (without my public mask on) but I also just want you to treat me exactly the same way you treat everybody else, no matter what it says here. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't want this to be a dialogue. It's meant more to be a monologue that y'all can listen in on and comment on. Because really, I love the comments, so please don't stop those. (hugs)

- I was reading an article yesterday which said, "Anxiety disorder requires professional help. For a person with the disorder, trying to talk themselves down out of a panic attack is not only completely useless, it is also completely impossible." Well you know what? Fuck you, I'm going to prove you wrong. Shit, I did it before. I went off of Zoloft without any repercussions. I stopped having panic attacks and feeling anxious all the time because I had figured out how to stop it. And now, I haven't had to deal with that stuff for long enough that I've gotten completely out of touch with that particular aspect of who I am. You know, I was actually considering going back on Zoloft? I'm not saying that it's wrong for anybody else, but for me it is. It's so completely against everything that I believe for myself, that I couldn't imagine doing it. And yet I was so panicky that I was imagining it. But I'm not going to. Instead I'm going to figure out how to do this for myself again. Because I know I can and, honestly, because I have to.

- Thank you so much, Mia, for the link about the anti-anxiety diet. I guess I knew that there were things out there that could naturally help me feel better, but I wasn't sure what they were. So having some idea of what I should be eating is really helpful. And turkey is just about number one on the list! That makes me SO happy, because I loooooooooove turkey!

- One of the things that experts suggest you do to combat anxiety is exercise all the time, so I think I need to step up my routine. I really do think that getting a personal trainer is something that I need to do. I get Shape magazine, which suggests a bunch of exercises, but at this point I really can't afford to do them wrong and injure myself. I need to make sure that I'm doing them right. And yesterday in anatomy we were talking about the fact that movement is life. It made me want to cry. Lou, our teacher, kept on saying that one of the most important things that you can do for yourself is lead an active life. She was talking about how the body changes through exercise. And she's right. Did you know that your bones grow when you exercise a lot? Just amazing. I feel like going to massage school will really help me in my working out, if only because I'll have a better idea of what muscles I'm using. Awfully cool.

- I was complaining to a guy at school yesterday about what a hard time I'm having with this whole running thing. He is a serious runner, track and field type of fella. When I told him that I'm only on week three of a ten week program (ok, I'm repeating week two again, to be honest) he laughed at me. He thought it was hilarious that I was complaining about it. And he made an excellent point. He said, "You know, it's a ten week program for a reason." I just automatically assume that I'm going to start seeing improvements immediately, but I've never done anything like this before. Of course there's no quick-fix solution to this. One of the guy's on Runner'sWorld said that when he was doing the run/walk program he stayed on week three for four weeks and stayed on week four for three weeks. I know I shouldn't compare myself to other people, but it is nice to know that others have as many problems with this as I do. Makes me feel a little better about myself and my potential for improvement.

- And I've got another running goal. I want to do the Multiple Myeloma 5k run which is done at the beginning of May. That's only slightly over 3 miles. In order to be ready to do that I have to learn how to run 3 miles in the next 7 months. Seems totally reasonable, right? And you know I'll love it enough that I'll be super excited to train for the 1/2 marathon in October of next year. Awesome. It's good to have goals.

I guess that's about it. I really just had a couple of important things I wanted to address. I'm working super hard on dealing with all this random crap going on inside of my own head. It's difficult, but it's got to be done. And I really believe that I can beat this shit.


Blogger Mia Goddess said...

M - I'm glad that link worked out for you! Here and there's a book and a recipe book too; if you like it, you can get it through Am@zon I'm sure. Good luck with all this! One of the reasons I'm so fascinted by you is because you're journaling about the kinds of things everybody has to go through (even without the anxiety, we all have to work out whatever ails us!)- you're just addressing it at a much earlier age than most people. I was well into my 30s before I realized I'd have to figure this stuff out! xoxo Mia

5:14 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

This one's about your multi-faceted post with lots of bullets.

Regarding that first bullet about not commenting but just having a place to dump your thoughts, that sounded EXACTLY like old Livejournal conversations I had with my wife. She'd say, "I write here to spew! Stop reacting. It's invisible." And that's how she wanted it done.

On the zoloft thing, and not wanting to have professional help, read A MILLION LITTLE PIECES, by James Fray. Similar, but different. He had multiple chemical addictions, and was told by everyone and their brother that he HAD to use the 12 step programs, etc. He proved them wrong. (Not for everyone, and I'm not advocating NOT seeking help, but definitely a good book for people who want another view).

I read a lot about people calling themselves "serious runners." I think that's one of those weird clique things. If you run, you're more serious than people who can name six current reality shows on TV, and perhaps a contestant on each one? You're serious if you feel interested in continuing and learning more about your body through running. *Poof*, you've been granted the title "serious."

So there.

9:52 AM  
Blogger FDF said...

Levitra may also be used for purposes other than those listed in this medication guide.

2:15 AM  

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