Sunday, October 14, 2007

Today I am sad.

I'm sad because I don't feel like I'm in control of my own life. I feel like I am too often living at the whim of others ... J, Darwin, my mom, etc. Most of the time I don't notice. Today it makes me sad.

I'm sad because I'm fat. I'm not saying it to fish for compliments or reassurances, so please don't bother. I'm saying it because it's true. My son is almost a year old and I haven't lost a single pound of the baby weight. I weigh 150 pounds, I'm 5'3, and until just recently I haven't done anything about it. I joined a gym a week ago and was fully expecting that the weight would just come flying off. It, of course, did not. Who was I kidding? It's going to take hard work to get it off, and that prospect scares me.

I'm sad because I'm scared. I'm so sick and fucking tired of living my life like this terrified little creature. You know what? I'm strong. I'm totally powerful. I gave birth to a 7lb 13oz baby without ever once really considering medication. It hurt like fucking hell but I knew how I wanted my child to be born, I knew what I wanted my labor experience to be like, so I pushed through the pain. Now you tell me, why can't I live my entire life like that? Why can't I always be the strong, powerful woman who I was that day? Why do I normally live my life like a complete chickenshit?

I'm sad because I don't want to be writing all this. I don't want to always be complaining about the same old shit. I want for things to change! I want to be living the life I actually want to be living. I don't want to have to bore you all with the same old drivel.

And I'm also sad because I wanted to go see a movie and go out to lunch, but it didn't happen. So now I'm sulking. Ain't I just the most annoying thing in the world?


Blogger starparticle said...

My weight gets me down too, and can skew my whole perspective. It's easy to get focused on this one issue being representative of everything (willpower, accomplishment, self worth)...

After two babies I'm still about 20 pounds over my normal and healthy weight (and I'm 4'10!!). I feel like it is a struggle every single day and I really hate it. I'm still within 5 pounds of two weeks after Leif was born. Hello?

Recently I've made a little forward progress - but I can't say what for sure has changed. Just a little more angry about it I suppose. I really want it to change.

Sorry you feel shitty about this - not alone :)

11:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Now you tell me, why can't I live my entire life like that? Why can't I always be the strong, powerful woman who I was that day?"

Hormones and adrenaline and biology and intense love for your child all feed your power when you give birth. We aren't so lucky to have that kind of help in everyday life.

1:06 PM  
Blogger faye said...

First of all-- I have to say to anonymous, with all respect...I tend to believe that fantastic moments of strength are not so much anomolies as they are glimpses into ourselves...

I find so much power in your words here, especially in the middle of your writing when you seem more inspired, more of your authentic self (as it seems from the perspective of an internet friend!)...and as it often is with you, you seem to find your own answers through your writing somehow...uncovering your own you think that's what happens with us women as we age-- that we were always absolutely powerful but just become more sure of it as we grow??...and sometimes we doubt it, which in the long run just makes us believe in ourselves more bc we have really examined and scrutinized ourselves, only to find again and again as we examine that we are indeed powerful and strong??

6:58 PM  

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