the prodigal daughter returneth
Now, for those of you know know me, you're well aware that the fact I haven't written in a while means that I'm not doing so well. And it's true ... I'm doing terribly.
The only way I can describe what's going on with me is that I've lost my power to do anything that makes me feel good. I've misplaced the part of me that says "do this for Margaret" and because of that I haven't been doing anything. I've been eating REALLY badly, I haven't been exercising at all, and I've been wallowing in self-pity and some self-hatred a vast quantity of the time.
How I've been eating badly:
Vegetables? What are vegetables? Instead of been living on cheese ... lots and lots of cheese, frozen foods (from Trader Joe's, so they're admittedly a little bit healthier than ... oh who am I kidding, they're not healthier than anything else), and a massive quantity of chocolate. Honestly, I've gone back to my old days of not being able to finish a meal without desperately craving chocolate. What's that all about? Where did the chocolate monster come from?
Why I've been eating badly:
Number one, it's cold here and in the winter months all I want is comfort food. Also, I'm a serious emotional eater. For years and years it was that I didn't eat when I was feeling emotional. Now I eat all the time. Right now my eating has been "helping" with my highly charged emotional state. I've been taking comfort and love and support from food, which is why chocolate has been playing such a key role.
About not exercising:
This is one of those things that stops when I forget how to take care of myself. I know that I should exercise, if only because it makes me feel fantastic. But when the shit hits the fan and my life is falling apart, this is one of the first things that goes. My therapist says, "Well, of course ... you don't think that you deserve to feel good." And to a certain extend he's totally correct. When I'm feeling this bad about life in general it's hard for me to do the things that make me feel good. It becomes infinitely easier to just sit around and wallow. The thing about it is that I haven't actually gained any weight, even with how badly I've been eating. But I've lost a whole crapload of muscle tone, and that bugs me a lot. I hate feeling like all the work I've done over the last two years has now been lost.
The good news:
As of Monday, the divine Miss L and I are going on a detox. Both of us have been treating our bodies like crap and we're going to try to undo all the damage we've done. It's going to be a pretty strict diet and exercise (at least for me) routine. And the truth is that I'm super excited to start it. I can't wait for all the nasty shit in my body to be gone and for me to start feeling good again. And if this is what it takes for me to start exercising again, then so be it. More power to me for doing this.
So as of Monday y'all can expect to hear from me more often, as I struggle with chocolate and cheese withdrawal (they are both mildly addictive, so it really is kind of scary) and as I desperately try to get my body back to where it once was.
The only way I can describe what's going on with me is that I've lost my power to do anything that makes me feel good. I've misplaced the part of me that says "do this for Margaret" and because of that I haven't been doing anything. I've been eating REALLY badly, I haven't been exercising at all, and I've been wallowing in self-pity and some self-hatred a vast quantity of the time.
How I've been eating badly:
Vegetables? What are vegetables? Instead of been living on cheese ... lots and lots of cheese, frozen foods (from Trader Joe's, so they're admittedly a little bit healthier than ... oh who am I kidding, they're not healthier than anything else), and a massive quantity of chocolate. Honestly, I've gone back to my old days of not being able to finish a meal without desperately craving chocolate. What's that all about? Where did the chocolate monster come from?
Why I've been eating badly:
Number one, it's cold here and in the winter months all I want is comfort food. Also, I'm a serious emotional eater. For years and years it was that I didn't eat when I was feeling emotional. Now I eat all the time. Right now my eating has been "helping" with my highly charged emotional state. I've been taking comfort and love and support from food, which is why chocolate has been playing such a key role.
About not exercising:
This is one of those things that stops when I forget how to take care of myself. I know that I should exercise, if only because it makes me feel fantastic. But when the shit hits the fan and my life is falling apart, this is one of the first things that goes. My therapist says, "Well, of course ... you don't think that you deserve to feel good." And to a certain extend he's totally correct. When I'm feeling this bad about life in general it's hard for me to do the things that make me feel good. It becomes infinitely easier to just sit around and wallow. The thing about it is that I haven't actually gained any weight, even with how badly I've been eating. But I've lost a whole crapload of muscle tone, and that bugs me a lot. I hate feeling like all the work I've done over the last two years has now been lost.
The good news:
As of Monday, the divine Miss L and I are going on a detox. Both of us have been treating our bodies like crap and we're going to try to undo all the damage we've done. It's going to be a pretty strict diet and exercise (at least for me) routine. And the truth is that I'm super excited to start it. I can't wait for all the nasty shit in my body to be gone and for me to start feeling good again. And if this is what it takes for me to start exercising again, then so be it. More power to me for doing this.
So as of Monday y'all can expect to hear from me more often, as I struggle with chocolate and cheese withdrawal (they are both mildly addictive, so it really is kind of scary) and as I desperately try to get my body back to where it once was.
3 Comments:
Margaret,
You are so cool...I miss you! That's great that you guys are doing a detox...I've actually read quite a bit about all of the toxins we unknowingly take in; it's so unbelievable! That is one reason that I stay away from meat (not that I'm proselytizing...ok, I am)...the growth hormones and antibiotics are alarming.
God bless chocolate, by the way. I don't think there is anything I love more...except maybe salt and vinegar chips...but, God bless chocolate.
Hope you are feeling better!
Love, Faye
Fuckin' casomorphins, or whatever the hell those addictive substances are called. I am SO ready to start this detox plan, even though I'm scared shitless. Hell, my body and spirit are so confused right now, might as well take away the chocolate, cheese, ice cream, etc. that I've been subsisting on.
And... do you promise we'll go snowboarding on Thursday??? I'm going to make you pinky swear with me, so neither of us backs out. What do you think?
Hang in there. Self-hatred is so completely demoralizing and paralyzing. I hope there is a break in the clouds for you soon -- literaly and figuratively.
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