moving

Hey everybody. I've decided to move my blogs over to wordpress (specifically because they offer more room, which I need for Darwin's blog).

So from now on you can find me here!

Home after five days in Seattle visiting the parents. Five days of being away from this cesspool of problems, five days of enjoying myself, five days of sharing my parenting duties with someone who really shares them (my bf, Khat), five days of being cocooned in a wonderful city surrounded by people who love me and wanted nothing more than to help in any way they could.

And now I'm home and needing to deal with the problems and issues again. Now I'm home and nothing has changed except that maybe I'm a little more distant than I was, a little less interested in continuing on in this vein. Now I'm home and something needs to be done.

Blech.

Imagine a woman who believes it is right and good she is a woman.
A woman who honors her experience and tells her stories.
Who refuses to carry the sins of others within her body and life.

Imagine a woman who trusts and respects herself.
A woman who listens to her needs and desires.
Who meets them with tenderness and grace.

Imagine a woman who acknowledges the past's influence on the present.
A woman who has walked through her past.
Who has healed into the present.

Imagine a woman who authors her own life.
A woman who exerts, initiates, and moves on her own behalf.
Who refuses to surrender except to her truest self and wisest voice.

Imagine a woman who names her own gods.
A woman who imagines the divine in her image and likeness.
Who designs a personal spirituality to inform her daily life.

Imagine a woman in love with her own body.
A woman who believes her body is enough, just as it is.
Who celebrates her body's rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.

Imagine a woman who honors the body of the Goddess in her changing body.
A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom.
Who refuses to use her life-energy disguising the changes in her body and life.

Imagine a woman who values the women in her life.
A woman who sits in circles of women.
Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets.

Imagine yourself as this woman.

~ Patricia Lynn Reilly

perception

Yesterday I was explaining to my best friend that there's a drastic difference between my perception and J's when it comes to our relationship.

When everything is going along just fine, when we're in one of the good spots, I become entirely swept up in the emotions of that situation. I think that everything is perfect and that J is perfect and that we're destined to be together and that nothing in the world could be better or stronger than our relationship.

But when we're fighting, when we're going through a bad spot, I am able to take a step back from the relationship and look at what actually goes on in our relationship. When we are fighting I gain the perspective that I so desperately need, and can't seem to find when I'm all love-blind. When we're in a bad spot I can look at the relationship from outside it and how it could be improved and how it needs to change.

J, though, is exactly the opposite. When we're in a good spot he can take that step back and become more objective, think about what needs to change, and how to make the relationship better. And when we're fighting all he can see is the relationship and how it's going wrong. He becomes blind to everything else around him and is entirely swept up in his emotional reaction to the situation at hand.

It's like we're both wearing the peril-sensitive sunglasses that Douglas Adams wrote about (as the situation gets more dangerous the sunglasses get darker), but ours are emotion tinted, and we wear them at opposite times from each other.

a real attempt

Ok, folks, I have made a decision. And it's a biggie, so prepare yourselves.

For the next month I am going to actually try. Try what you ask? Everything. I'm going to eat well, exercise, communicate with my husband, work hard at my job, keep my house clean, not watch too much TV, make sure that Darwin is being constantly stimulated, etc.

I expect that life will fix everything for me, that all the little pieces will fall into place on their own and I will always be taken care of. Obviously that isn't actually true, so I am going to put in a real effort at taking control of my own life, at being the person I want to be.

So this is it. August is the month where I give it a go.

We'll see if it works.

I haven't been writing much. I haven't been thinking much. Hell, I haven't been doing much of anything.

We're going through another bad spot ... days and nights filled with tension, arguments, avoiding even the smallest physical contact. The emotions in our house are so tight right now, only relaxing when in the company of others or when trying to act normal for Darwin.

This marriage was a mistake. Let's be honest here, this relationship was a mistake from the very beginning, but when it started there was nobody who we would have allowed to tell us that. And the idea that having a child would make it better? How naive could I possibly have been? Don't get me wrong here, I love that child with all my heart, but I decided to have a baby for all the wrong reasons.

I have always believed that we would survive anything because we had such unbelievably strong passion for each other. Our relationship has never known an even keel. We have huge ups and down, screaming arguments followed by intense late-night declarations of our mutual adoration. But these days the ups aren't as high, and the lows just keep getting lower. I am not sure that any amount of love can save this.

And I'm not sure that I actually care that much.

What a fucked up thing to say.

I just, at this point in time, am not actually sure that I've ever been in love with the person who my husband actually is. I think there's the distinct possibility that I've spent the last 12 years of my life in love with the person I thought he someday could be. The person I'm starting to realize that he doesn't really have any desire to be. Weird, right? And trust me, it goes both ways.

So that's me. Here I am stuck having the same fight over and over again, exhausted from the strain of trying to work through a relationship that I'm not sure I even really want to be in anymore.

Somebody whose blog I read religiously just commented here on mine and she said: It's hard though, and staying is only worth it if both of you are there to show up with full hearts every day promising at the very least this: that you will not intentionally hurt the other, and that you both are willing to grow.

I don't think that either of us could promise either of those things right now.

It ain't pretty, folks. It just ain't pretty.

a question for the wise ...

The goal is to live life lovingly, filled with compassion and forgiveness and acceptance. But how do you do that without letting everyone walk all over you?