Friday, November 30, 2007


I have started, yet again, to think about education's role in my life. Over the last ten years or so I've made a whole bunch of attempts at furthering my education, none of which amounted to absolutely anything. Plain and simple, I've spent my life as a fucking slacker, especially when it related to homework.

But I've finally figured something out ... the concept of "I'll save it till tomorrow" just doesn't work in real life. Everything that's left undone today just piles up on top of all the shit you have to do tomorrow. What this means is that instead of life being reasonably easy to manage, it ends up being a giant shit-heap of all the work you "left till tomorrow" and never did.

It took me 28 years, but I have finally figured out that there is no such thing as a day off. Sucks, but it's the truth.

So now the question is ... would I actually be able to use that knowledge in my quest for higher education? I don't know, people, but I'd really like to find out.

I want to be learning. I want to be in school. And I really want to figure out a way that I can make it financially viable, fun, and (most of all) realistic.

I want to do this.

Thursday, November 01, 2007



I'm having one of those days where I want out. Out of my marriage, out of being a mother, out of this city and state, out of my body, out of this entire life.

I know, I know, in a couple of years Darwin will be older and more independent and I'll be able to spend time on my own, but for now I'm a prisoner here. You'd think that having a husband would help with that, but it doesn't. When I leave Darwin with J, I leave my child with someone who's seemingly totally unenthusiastic about spending time with him. He never says, "Hell yeah, get outta here, take your time, have fun, because we're going to have a blast." No. Instead he says, "Fine. Hurry back."

How is that supposed to make me excited about going away?

So I am never alone. My entire life is spent in the company of this little person who *needs me for everything*. I can't ever just exist as myself anymore. Instead I just have this tiny shadow following me everywhere I go, screaming when I'm not paying enough attention to him, keeping me from sleeping, and taking all his food and comfort from my body.

I'm fucking exhausted. If he could sleep for more than two hours at a stretch, that'd be a start. If he'd understand that I'm not the only person in the world who can provide safety, that'd be good too. If he'd actually eat food, instead of using it as a sampler and me as his primary sustenance or let me eat a meal without tipping my plate over, or spilling my water glass, or getting a giant handful of something potentially hazardous to his health, that would also be awesome.

I just truly don't know how much longer I can last. And yet this "mothering instinct" or whatever it is, won't let me spend too much time away from him. It's too frightening.

And all I really want to do is run away to Mexico.