Ok, so I've been really bad recently. No big surprise if you've been keeping up with my blog. I've been slacking for a while. And besides, when I'm not posting...that's a bad sign. It means I've got nothing good to report.

Well, I'm heading out to the woods to camp for a week, so I made the decision that until I get back from there, I'm not accountable for anything that I do. This may mean that I come back with some more weight on me. It may mean that I come back a little more out of shape than I am now. But that's ok. Because as soon as I get back I'm kicking my ass into high gear. Time to get serious again. I'm going to start a running training program. It's going to be ridiculously hard, but it's something I really want to do. So here's the formula, each to be done 3 or 4 times per week...

Week 1...
run 1 min, walk 2 min
repeat 7x
total: 21 min

Week 2...
tun 1 min, walk 1 min
repeat 10x
total: 20 min

Week 3...
run 2 min, walk 1 min
repeat 7x
total: 21 min

Week 4...
run 3 min, walk 1 min
repeat 5x
total: 20 min

Week 5...
run 4 min, walk 1 min
repeat 4x
total: 20 min

Week 6...
run 6 min, walk 1 min
repeat 3x
total: 21 min

Week 7...
run 9 min, walk 1 min
repeat 2x
total: 20 min

Week 8...
run 12 min, walk 1 min
then run another 7 min
total: 20 min

Week 9...
run 15 min, walk 1 min
Then run 4 min
total: 20 min

Week 10...
run 20 min
And leap for joy!

I don't know. It all sounds pretty freaky to me, but they say it works. They say it's the easiest and best way to build up the cardiovascular strength to do actually start running. And shit, I'm willing to give it a try!

Oh yeah, one more thing. I'd like to formally extend my apologies to my poor, defamed mother. She did in fact offer me up a bike in exchange for the one that she stole from me years ago. So soon I will have a new bike! And it's all due to my darling mother, who always makes good on her promises. Thank you, Mommy.

Random list of things that I figure maybe people would want to know about me...

Act your age? Depends on the situation.
Born on what day of the week? Sunday (full of grace).
Chore you hate? Washing dishes.
Chore you love? Cleaning the bathroom.
Dad’s name? Mark or Bill...I've got two of them.
Essential makeup item? None.
Favorite actor? That's a toughie. John Malkovich, Ed Norton, William H. Macy, Chow Yun-Fat, etc.
Gold or silver? Silver.
Hometown? Depends on when you ask me...either New Haven, CT; Palo Alto, CA; or Cambridge, MA.
Instruments you play? None.
Job title? Student.
Kids? Not yet.
Living arrangements? Domestic partnership.
Mom’s name? Mary-Claire.
Need? A freakin' clue about what to do with my life.
Overnight hospital stays? Not since I was born.
Phobias? Spiders, planes.
Quote you like? "And in the lowest deep a lower deep still threatening to devour me opens wide, to which the hell I suffer seems a heaven." (Ain't I just the sunniest person ever?)
Religious affiliation? Agnostic leaning towards atheist.
Siblings? None.
Time you wake up? Depends on when I went to bed.
Unique talent? Burping.
Vegetable you refuse to eat? I don't refuse to eat any, but I really don't like mushrooms.
Worst habit? Lazy as hell.
X-rays you’ve had? Only ever on my feet.
Yummy food you make? Sesame asparagus.
Zodiac Sign? Aquarius.

Well, I actually did manage to make it to the gym this morning. Did a little bit on the elliptical and then some weights. Not much. But, at the very least, I actually managed to make it there, and that's a start.

Over at J's mom's house yesterday and I discovered that she's got a bike in her basement that she wants to get rid of. It's obviously going to need a serious tune-up (it's been down there for years) but that still means I've got a bike. Yippee!

I have lost all momentum. I had myself on this really nice schedule but then it was completely screwed up by going out to Seattle. And now here I am, stuck in inertia. Crap. And besides, with this school schedule of 9-4/4 days per week (which luckily is only lasting another week after today), it really makes exercising even more difficult.

And part of it is that the bike ride this weekend was so nice. I sort of realized that the idea of going back and exercising inside again is dreadful. I don't want to go ride a stationary bike inside! I don't want to run on a treadmill so that I never get anywhere! I want to be out in the beautiful world where amazing thing pass by. I want to be outdoors! But, of course, it is certainly harder for me to motivate myself to exercise out here in the real world. When you show up at the gym there's no way to avoid working out, it's the only reason you're there.

I just wish I had a bike. That would make my whole life easier. If only my mother had never stolen mine. She said she'd give it back, but I certainly haven't seen it since. :) Oh well, I'll just have to find myself another one.

Ah well. I'm off to school everybody. I'm sure I'll bitch more later. Smooches.

Well, huh. The 70 mile bike-ride I was supposed to go on this weekend didn't actually end up being 70 miles. J and I rented a tandem bike that really just wasn't appropriate for the terrain we were doing. It was a 3-speed, absolutely perfect for a 10 mile ride along the beach, but it really wasn't built for anything other than that. Mostly flat surfaces ... fantastic. Slight uphill ... ok. Anything more than a slight incline ... hellish. The first 20 miles or so (along an actual bike path) were absolutely fantastic ... we were totally cruising along, making fantastic time. And then we reached the hills of Truro. Good fucking god. We had this little routine going. We'd reach the top of a hill and start coasting down. Then we'd start pedaling like mad, trying to get as far up the hill as we could. J would say, "Ok, downshift. And downshift again. And now we're walking." So, honestly, I think we probably walked about 5 or 7 miles and bikes around 30. It was so hard and so painful that I actually had a little bit of a breakdown ... just patently refused to get back on the bike. J was very nice and supportive, let me cry for a little bit, and then we were back on the bike for about 10 minutes until we reached our destination. Nice that my breakdown happened so close to the end.

But then the next day we were supposed to get up and do it again! I couldn't stand the thought of tackling the hills again. So J took T's bike and T and I hitched a ride to about the halfway point, where we hung out for a while and then finished the ride together on the tandem. I was really amazed when riding the tandem with someone other than J. It was so much harder with T! I guess that J and I really move our bodies very well together (which I suppose makes sense, since we have been sleeping together for years now), but without having something else to compare it to I wouldn't have ever had any idea just how easy it was with him!

It was hard. I mean really, it was HARD. But supposedly there's going to be another bike trip just like this one later in the summer, and I know I want to do it. I just have to make sure I have a different bike.

And, if nothing else, doing this trip got me re-interested in biking again. It's been years (I mean like 13 of them) since I really got on a bike and did any riding. But being on that bike and remembering how good it feels to be moving through the world at that pace ... I want to do it again and again and again! Now I just have to find myself a bike.

Thank you, A, for providing me with the opportunity to get excited about this again.

Wow. It's been a while since I posted, huh?

I just spent a week in Seattle with my mom, cooking and talking and decorating her bathroom. It was lovely. A little too long, but lovely. We spent lots of time talking about body image and exercise and the likes, so it definitely gave me plenty to think about and process. I also went to three yoga classes while I was there and accompanied her to the gym one day for some weight lifting and swimming.

So here are the things that I thought about/realized/am processing/was successful with/etc...

-I need to try to change my definition of myself to "athlete" (got this from looking at the athleta catalogue). I think this will help me be willing to try new things and to not feel so bad about how my body looks.

-I wore my bikini for the first time while swimming with my mom and I was so pleased with how the upper half of my body looked that I actually managed to ignore not liking the bottom half so much! Very cool.

-I think I should play hockey this summer. I have no idea how I'm going to be able to afford it or anything, but I think this will be good for me.

-I need to start having more faith in my body. I think if there's a more faithful relationship then my body will start responding better when I push it harder, which is something that I definitely need to do.

-When I was at my mom's gym they had a bench-press machine so I figured I should try it out. I can press 70 pounds. Holy crap ... go me!

-It's very important to remember that this is a journey. I often forget that I'm never going to get the results that I want instantaneously, so there isn't any point in getting pissed off at my body for not doing so. This, of course, kind of sucks, but it's just the way it goes.

-DRINK WATER!!!!!! It's hard for me to remember to drink enough water when I'm away from home, but I have to do it. I definitely didn't drink enough water when I was there and could feel the repercussions on my body.

-And lastly, keep plugging away. I obviously have actually gotten results, even if I have a hard time seeing them myself. But hey, I see my body everyday, so it's no big surprise that I have a hard time seeing them. Just keep in mind that EVERYONE around me does see the results and is pleased by them. Remember that just because my thighs aren't the size that I want them to be, doesn't mean that nothing is happening. I am smaller than I was. But even more importantly, I am stronger than I was, and that's really what matters.

And now I'm off to the Cape for a 70-mile bike trip this weekend. I don't know that I have ever in my entire life biked 70 miles. Sure, it's over two days, and I'm doing it on a tandem, so it won't be so bad, but I am a little nervous. But in the interest of having a more faithful relationship with my body, I am not going to worry about it. I can do this. It's going to be hard, but that's why it's good.