Tuesday, August 14, 2007

addiction ...

So here's the thing about addiction - at some point you have that moment where you all of a sudden realize that you actually have an addiction and that, most importantly of all, if you have an addiction, it means you're going to have to quit doing whatever it is you're addicted to. I'm well aware of this moment of realization, having had it several times in my life (normally related to smoking).

I'll tell you what ... it's a shitty, shitty thing to have going on in your life.

Why, you might ask, am I talking about addiction right now? Well, my friends, because I came to that selfsame realization just yesterday. I had that moment of realization, that crashing-down of reality when I realized that I am officially addicted ...
... to sugar.

No joke. So please don't laugh. Or, if you're going to, do it someplace where I can't see you.

A couple of months ago I was all super gung-ho to lose this baby weight that, huh, just doesn't seem to be disappearing. Yeah, and then instead of losing weight and exercising, I took up an intensely awesome baking habit. Right, cause that's going to help me lose the baby weight.

It's incredible though. I am eating better now than I ever have before in my life. And when I say better, that's really what I mean. Not less (which is how I used to define better). No, now I'm eating lots of whole grains, leafy greens, vegetables, fruit, beans as protein instead of meat, fish, etc. I'm eating really well. But still the weight isn't coming off.

Maybe that's because I've been baking gingerbread and cobblers and pies and cookies like they're going out of style. Maybe that's because I like to snack on sugary goodness all day long. Maybe that's because answering to my sweet tooth makes me happy (well, in the very short run it makes me happy).

Aargh. You see what I mean about it being a shitty realization?

So here it is. I have to give up sugar. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not talking about going crazy and completely cold turkey. No, that's just too much to ask for. But no more baking, unless it's for a special occasion. And for god's sake, if I do bake, there's no reason for me to finish off the entire pan of whatever it was when I wake up the next morning.

It's all about self control.

I can do this. I know I can, because I quit smoking. Twice. [grin]

Sunday, August 12, 2007

everybody's got secrets ...

Wednesday, August 01, 2007


I'm bored. Tired. Ready to fucking move on. I don't want to spent the next three and a half weeks packing up my entire life ... again ... just so I can move ... again. At least this move is taking me back to the place I've figured out I really want to be.

But, oh god, I just can't stand this waiting around bit. It drives me nuts.

And packing? Is there anyone in the world who actually likes packing? If so, I'll pay you to come and pack up my house. I hate it intensely, even though on the other end comes unpacking, which to me is like heaven!

Although, if it were up to me, I'd throw everything away and start over from the beginning.

I really have nothing to say, just felt like checking in and sharing my general malaise with everyone.

Anyways. Hugs to y'all.