and ...

Check out this site for some awesome pregnancy photos.

maternitygallery

It really helps to be able to see other women at the exact spot in their pregnancy where I am, so that I can reassure myself that I am totally normal and that there's a possibility that I still look beautiful.

the most awe-inspiring thing i've read in a long time

"When we adults think of children there is a simple truth which we ignore: childhood is not preparation for life, childhood is life. A child isn't getting ready to live, a child is living. The child is constantly confronted with the nagging question, "What are you going to be?"

Courageous would be the youngster who, looking the adult squarely in the face, would say, "I'm not going to be anything; I already am." We adults would be shocked by such an insolent remark for we have forgotten, if indeed we ever knew, that a child is an active participating and contributing member of society from the time he is born.

Childhood isn't a time when he is molded into a human who will then live life; he is a human who is living life. No child will miss the zest and joy of living unless these are denied him by adults who have convinced themselves that childhood is a period of preparation.

How much heartache we would save ourselves if we would recognize the child as a partner with adults in the process of living, rather than always viewing him as an apprentice. How much we would teach each other...adults with the experience and children with the freshness.

How full both our lives could be. A little child may not lead us, but at least we ought to discuss the trip with him for, after all, life is his and her journey, too."

-- Professor T. Ripaldi

my two selves

Me #1 ... I AM HYSTERICALLY EXCITED!!!!!

• I just got married to the man I love, after ten years of loving him.
• I'm having a child, which has been my number one goal in life for as long as I can remember.
• I'm moving to another state so I can live in a new place, something I enjoy doing.
• My brain is filled with hundreds of different awesome plans for how to make my life better right now and for the rest of it.
• My creative juices are flowing.
• I'm happy!

Me #2 ... THIS SHIT IS TERRIFYING!!!!!

• I just got married ... and sometimes I want to kill my husband. This is nothing new, but it's something I think about a lot. And now, of course, I'm legally bound to him and it would take a lawyer for us to break up.
• I'm having a child. Excuse me? Me? Who's brilliant fucking idea was it to let me have a child? There's no chance in hell this baby will turn out to be anything other than unbelievably screwed up. Trust me, I can guarantee it.
• I'm moving to another state. Where I don't yet have a place to live or a job to go to. Great. Super spectacular planning on my part, eh? And what makes me think that I'm going to be able to function in a place where my support network is almost non-existant?
• My brain is filled with awesome plans of stuff to do but I'm barely doing any of it. When was the last time I went to yoga, huh? I've got all these big dreams of the person I want to be and I have no idea how to manifest them. Not so cool.
• My creative juices are flowing. Ok, and have I finished any projects recently? No ... I think not. Instead I'm just filled with fabulous ideas for awesome things that I'm starting and not finishing. Yippee.
• I'm happy. Sure, I guess, for right now. But I'm pregnant and my emotions are being hormonally driven all over the map so it's going to change in any second. What's the point of pretending that this is going to last?

THINGS I NEED TO REMEMBER TO FIND THE HAPPY MEDIUM

• Of course this is scary. Moving is never easy and, from what I hear, neither is having a baby. But I am so excited about doing both things that I am absolutely positive they will be worth it. Just because it's scary doesn't mean that I shouldn't do it.
• I have to remember that being lazy doesn't pay off in the long run. Everything in my life would run more easily if I gave more energy to doing things than I do to freaking out. That is not an opinion, it's a statement of fact. So work on giving energy where energy is due. And remember how satisfying it is to see a job well done.
• Also, remember that there are few things more satisfying than seeing something through to its end. This goes for the scarf I started last winter, the dress I started three weeks ago, packing up my apartment, and the baby growing inside me.
• No relationship has ever been easy and I would never want to be in one that was. While J might drive me nuts he is also the most amazing person I've ever met, who amazes me in a hundred different ways every day. So though I might sometimes want to kill him, this is worthwhile. Our saying a couple of vows to each other didn't actually change anything about our relationship, it just made it more solid. We weren't leaving anyway, so the fact that we'd now need lawyers means nothing.
• I am happy. I am also sad and angry and frustrated and tired and exhilarated and hysterical and amused and peaceful and blank. But that's just who I am ... it's who I've always been. My being pregnant just means that I am a more likely to be the extremes of all those things and I am more likely to find myself switching between them for what seems like no reason at all. Ain't no thing, as long as I can keep in mind that the reasons behind it are good.
• And last but not least, I am going to be a good mother. I will love this child with everything I have. And even though there will be rough patches this child will grow up to be wonderful and amazing and brilliant and beautiful and will enhance my life as I enhance its. I need to remember how lucky I am that this baby chose me. I need to remember that what I am doing is the absolute pinnacle of what human beings can do and that every single day I should be thankful for the tiny life growing inside of me ... because this truly is a miracle.
  

I had an absolutely spectacular weekend! I spent the weekend up in beautiful Burlington, Vermont ... soon to be the new place I call home.

We went up there to check out an apartment which we hoped would be the absolute perfect spot. It turned out to be ... well ... STRANGE. It's about 6 miles outside the center of town, on 4.2 acres, with a huge kitchen and five small bedrooms. And oh yeah, it only costs $1000/month. But it's 6 miles outside of town on a highway which is basically like one giant stripmall. And of the 4.2 acres approximately .25 acres are useable. And the five small bedrooms are really five SMALL bedrooms in just about the strangest set-up you've ever seen. And there's no shower, just a bathtub, etc, etc, etc. It was so weird.

So we are now basically completely rethinking what we're going to be looking for in an apartment. Fine by me. Because truth be told, we don't actually need a whole crapload of space. What we need is a place where we will feel comfortable bringing home a newborn baby. Period. And since we are really going to be trying to buy a house in a year, we need it to be nice enough that we want to live there, but not nice enough that we want to live there forever. So now our apartment search will be taking on a different face.

Other than that, everything is going spectacularly well. I'm loving this pregnancy thing, though it does have its moments of complete and utter surrealism. I feel like I'm good at thinking about how I will deal with the situations that will arise when this child shows up, but just thinking about the fact that there will be a child scares the shit out of me. It's the details I'm good at here, not the overall picture. But I am getting more and more excited every single day to have this thing here. It's terrifying that I will be a mother and will be responsible for a life other than my own but then there's this little thing here that will enrich my life in ways I can't even guess yet. It's amazing. And I am so, so, so excited.

I'M MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh yes, folks ... it's frickin' fabulous.

The wedding went off beautifully. It rained only during the ceremony and then immediately cleared up (which is exactly what I would have wanted). I was barefoot and pregnant (which is exactly what I've ALWAYS wanted). And I married my favorite person in the world (who is everything I never knew I always wanted ... except that I've known he was what I wanted for ten years).

It feels really good that after a year of planning this and then the final week of pure freaking out and carrying on like a madwoman, the wedding was pretty much everything I wanted it to be. It was awesome and amazing and now I just can't wait to have the pictures.

And now that it's all over and done with, I just have to deal with growing this baby and moving to another state. That's not so bad.