First of all, yesterday was awesome. My trainer's name is Maren and she's completely psycho but also totally supportive and understanding. Put it this way ... she'd make a fabulous drill instructor. When I showed up she already had stuff all plotted out for me, which was actually really cool. Her main focus is core, which is awesome of course, so we spent the majority of yesterday's hour session working on core stuff. Here's what we did:

- plank pose, held for 15 seconds, 25 seconds, and 35 seconds

- a cool back exercise on top of a ball, sort of like doing cobra pose or a strange-looking breaststroke, 3 sets of 10

- opposite arm and leg reaches from tabletop position, 3 sets of 10

- crunches, 3 sets of 10

- hold a big ball between your legs while lying supine on the ground, bend legs at 90 degrees, slowly lower ball down till touching the ground, 3 sets of 10 (targets lower abs)

- stomach on the ball rowing motion with 5-lb weights, 3 sets of 12

- back on the ball chest press with 5-lb weights, 3 sets of 12

- sitting on the ball shoulder press with 3-lb weights, 3 sets of 12

- back against the ball which is against the wall squats, 3 sets of 12

So yeah, needless to say I'm sore as shit. But I went back to the gym again today and did it all again. Not smoking really helps because I'm trying SO hard to distract myself from the wanting to smoke that going to the gym is the perfect thing to do.

And I feel great, better than I've felt in a really long time. It's ... well ... it's awesome.

One day down ... only thousands more to go.

I need to write this all out so that I can keep on top of my dreams and desires and wants, even if they're just for the moment.

1) At eleven o'clock in the morning tomorrow I have an appointment with a personal trainer. I just rejoined the gym two weeks ago and haven't been yet. Seeing this trainer is my opportunity to force myself back into it. She's awesome and super hard-core and she comes into my work every single day, so I can't just not show up. This is important to me because I want to look good for my wedding, but even more than that because I want to have a baby really soon and I need to be more healthy for that.

It's been almost two years since I was actually in shape and since I put any work into it at all. I'm scared, really and truly, but I know that this is something I have to do.

2) Tomorrow before I go see my personal trainer, I am not going to smoke. When I leave her, I am not going to smoke. I have the next three days off of work and if I can't do this now, I'm not sure that I will ever find a more convenient time. I hate doing this, hate it more than any of you can possibly imagine. I love being a smoker. It makes me feel distinct and cool and ... yes ... happy. But there's that baby looming in the near future and I want to be the best that I can be.

I'm trying to think about it like this ... "It's going to be hard. But that's all it is ... hard. It's not going to kill me, it's not going to make me completely miserable, it's just going to be hard." But yet again I am completely terrified. I'm giving up something that I truly enjoy for an unknown. And it's gonna be bitchingly difficult.

3) I need help. I need help getting back to the person I was two years ago, back to the person I really want to be. I need words of wisdom and love. I need people to drag me out for a yoga class no matter how much I protest, for tea and shopping ... whatever. I need healthy recipes and advice about the newest and best websites and magazines. I really just need support.

The unfortunate thing about J is that while he is unbelievably supportive in some ways, in this particular thing he is lacking. He just doesn't know what it means to want to change in these ways. So I need help from outside of my home.

I am not good at asking for help. For little mundane things, no problem. But when it comes to something like this, something where I'm openly expressing my terror and my necessity for help, this scares me senseless.

It pains me to admit it, but I'm totally freaking out.

Holy Freakin' Moly!!!!!!

This is it. Dress B is the dress that I'm going to be married in. This is the second pattern of choice. The first one was what I thought I wanted, but this is the dress. It's exactly perfect and I couldn't ask for anything better.

I think I found the perfect fabric too ... although I bought all that the store had left and I'm not honestly sure it was enough. If not, I can find some perfect fabric somewhere else.

And J and I ordered our wedding rings today. It's really actually all happening. It's weird ... I feel like I've been planning this for such a long time (which isn't actually true, let's be honest here) but now that it's so close and it's all going into action, it all feels like it's just going so fast.

I can't wait to be his wife.

I guess this is me!

Ugh.

I've started feeling really freaked out about all my friends leaving. And about the fact that I'm going to be leaving them very soon. The two Ls are heading up to VT shortly, and that puts me into a total panic. Then Heather's moving to England for three years. And then Meag and Steve are moving back to upstate NY.

Now, I know that I too am simply following in this vein and will be heading myself up to VT in August, but it's still freaking me out. I feel like we're all scattering to the four corners of the world and will never again see each other.

Married life brings babies, which in turn bring commitments. And when there are commitments you can't just pick up and head off for a weekend of fun and smoking pot and playing boardgames with friends. Instead there are diaper bags and screaming babies and really NEEDING to worry about your jobs and such. It's terrifying!

And while I'm the first to admit that I'm totally jumping on this bandwagon of marriage/babies/commitment/moving away ... I'm still going to miss my friends.

I guess the thing about it is that I don't ever see them when they live within a half-hour drive of me, so how am I ever going to see them when they're farther away?