I think Alicia asks a really good question ... why the sudden need to lose 10-12 pounds? The truth is that I'm not sure. The desire to weigh 120-125 pounds has never really gone away, but why has it surfaced again right now? I think it's because I haven't been doing anything physical as of late and my self-esteem is reacting negatively to that (as it is wont to do).

I was talking about self-esteem with J recently, because he and I are vastly different people in this area. For him self-esteem is entirely based on what he COULD be doing. Just the fact that he's got the potential to be a nuclear physicist/US president/award-winning author is enough for him to feel damn good about himself. I, on the other hand, do not run on potential. I think I did for a long time (that's pretty much what got me through my highschool career) but now that doesn't work for me anymore. Now, in order to not feel like absolute crap about myself, I have to be active at every turn. Sitting and taking a break for a bit makes me feel terrible about myself. The problem with this is that inevitably my feeling like crap leads to my just sitting around and doing more of nothing, which then starts me down this terrible cycle of self-deprication and laziness. It's a viscious circle if I've ever seen one.

I've been thinking a lot recently about how I operate, trying to figure out ways to counter my internal battles and dilemmas. It isn't easy, but I do believe that once you've identified what your issues are, it becomes significantly easier to change them. So I guess what I'm mainly working on right now is identifying what my issues are. I think that more than anything else right now, I have to learn to not hate myself so immensely. There's no reason for it. When I'm thinking rationally I know that I'm a pretty cool person. The problem is that whenever I find myself in a sticky situation, I inevitably latch on to and begin worrying at what I think are my worst faults. I have to learn to let this go. I have to learn that knowing these are my faults is ok, working on changing them is ok, but constantly berating myself because I have them is not ok. It isn't ok to be as mean to yourself as I am to myself.

Jesus, I've been babbling for a while here. Just know this: today I've got some errands to run and I'm going to be doing them in my running shoes. They're all within walking distance ... or should I say running distance. I'm determined not to let my internal battles stop me from being the person I know I can be.

Well here we are, rapidly approaching that dreaded time of year when we bust out with our resolutions for the next year. I'm not usually one for doing such things, but this year I'm going to because I think it'll help. Please note that these are only the fitness resolutions, the others will follow shortly.

1. Lose 10-12 pounds. No time limit on this, as long as I actually get it done.

2. Run a 5K. I wanted to write here all about how I hope I'll be ready for the one in March, but truth be told, there's no reason for me NOT to be ready for it. It should be relatively easy for me to do it, as long as I'm actually working. If I'm not ready then it means I wasn't really trying. This should be a good test for me.

3. Do 5 hours of cardio per week. This shouldn't be that difficult, as it includes running, elliptical, dancing, biking, power yoga, swimming, etc. But I have to do 5 hours per week.

4. Go snowboarding at least 3 times.

5. Try out 3 new forms of exercise: snowshoeing, rockclimbing, cross-country skiing, kayaking, hip-hop dancing, etc.

6. Get better at ice skating. Perfect crossover going counter-clockwise and learn to actually do it clockwise. Remember that if you're a good enough skater, you're going to join the hockey team next winter.

7. Go to yoga at least once per week, twice would be better. It's been a long time since I've actually been doing that and I need to get back into practice.

Yeah, I guess that's about it for now. I'm sure that there are more and that I'll be updating this list regularly, but this is all I've got for now.

I suppose I owe you guys some sort of update, huh?

Well, I don't have much to tell. I've been lazing around, but not too badly. I'm remaining active with lots of walking and general running around like a maniac preparing for Christmas. It's actually been nice. And I haven't been eating badly either, not great but totally not too bad.

Speaking of which, I had this amazing realization yesterday. I saw some commercial on TV which has a couple of kids in it making themselves these enormous ice cream sundaes. My initial reaction to it was, "Oh god, that looks gross." Who knew? I've always been a huge fan of the ice cream sundae! But I guess that now what I would have liked was one that was about as big as a cup measure ... including all ice cream and toppings. I just can't eat as much junky food as I used to be able to.

And, I've decided to give myself a break. Look, if I sit around and feel like crap about the fact that I'm being really lazy with my working out then I'm going to be less likely to go back and do it. Somehow it's just true for me that when I am being self-depricating, it shows up in my becoming more and more lazy. So for right now I'm just going to let this go. So what if I don't want to go to the gym in the morning? Honestly, whose life is it really affecting? I know that I'll get back into this. And I'm not just saying that. I can feel the pressure building up inside of me to which exercise is the only true release. So when the time comes and I need to work out, I'll go and do it. And I also know that once I start again, I'll be at it for a good long while before I need to take another break like this. So what's the big deal, really? I'm just going to give myself a break.

I do still want to do the 5k in March though, which will take some preparation. So I've got to get back to being good sooner rather than later.

Tomorrow, Christmas Eve, is my favorite day of the year. So merry Christmas to all. Much love.

I guess you could say I've been having a crisis of faith. I had a good run there for a while of believing in myself and my ability to achieve all these goals. And then it just stopped. Now here I am, stuck in a puddle of feeling sorry for myself and not having enough faith to pull myself out of the funk.

Ack.

What I have to remember is that bettering myself does actually make me feel fabulous. Sure, short-term it totally sucks ass, but in the long run there isn't anything that makes me feel better about myself or about the world. This relates both to dealing with my emotional issues and my physical issues. It actually doesn't make me feel good at all when I ignore my goals and sweep my self-improvement to the side.

Life has just been ... well ... blah recently. First of all, Christmas is coming up. For those of you who don't know, Christmas is so totally my favorite time of year that it isn't even funny. I'm one of those annoying assholes who starts thinking about it in August, so around this time of year I'm constantly singing carols and occasionally bursting into a huge smile just thinking about how much I love it. And just so you know, it has nothing to do with receiving presents (honestly couldn't care less about that). It's all about the joy of giving people things that you know they will love. Oooh, I love to give a good present.

And things with J have been actively roller-coastering, so that's been generally uninspiring and adding to my self-doubt. I have no idea where this is going, it's all so fucking up and down.

So basically, what I'm here to say is that I'm sorry. Not so much to y'all, who have always been so supportive in my times of need and congratulatory in my moments of triumph. But much more I need to say that I'm sorry to myself. I'm sorry that right now I'm feeling the need to take about a billion steps backwards in my progress. I'm sorry that I'm feeling the need to ignore what I know is best for myself. And I'm sorry that for quite a while now I haven't felt the need to be good to myself at all. I can promise you that this will all change soon. I just need to make a couple key adjustments in my brain and then I'll get back on track. Until then, I'm not going to say differently ... no lying to y'all and no lying to myself. I'm way off track and I'm going to stay there until I'm ready to get all the way back on. No half-assing.

Had an awesome, awesome, awesome time last night. L just recently told me about the Boston Skating Club, which on Tuesday nights does public skating. But it's not just any public skating. It's 18 plus (thank god, no annoying children for me to almost kill) and they've got a live organ player! Also, they do this incredibly awesome thing where the organ player will call out, "Ok, now it's couples' skate" and "Now it's only skaters with hockey skates on," etc. It's so much fun! The majority of the people who skate there are quite old, which also makes the environment much more relaxed than anywhere else I've ever skated. It was great.

And my skating is improving in leaps and bounds! The last ten laps or so that I did last night were at my absolute top speed. I was working on doing cross-overs and finally realized that they accelerate you. So I just kept on going faster and faster and faster around the ring. Oooh, so much fun! And I think I finally get the concept of how they're done. Really, I had always thought that I should learn how to do them while going slowly and then work on increasing my speed. Wrong. I think it's actually impossible to do them properly while just creeping along. I'm so impressed with myself! And considering how exhausted my body was, I swear I must have burned about 200 calories just doing those 10 laps. Fantastic.

Other than that, I've decided to do something extreme with my diet. I want to try giving up dairy for a month. I've been noticing recently that my body seems to be reacting badly to dairy, so I just want to try living without it for a while ... see if that makes me feel any better. Really, I don't plan that it's going to be a permanent thing. I got some soy creamer to put in my tea every day, and it actually isn't too bad, so that's not going to be a problem. The big thing for me is going to be cheese. Letting go of the cheese is going to be difficult.

Step away from the cheese.

Hey all!

First off, I'd like to apologize for the inordinately long break from writing. I got back from New York and since then my internet has been all screwy ... as in there's been an electrical problem which has been bad enough that I haven't had any internet.

I've been really, REALLY shitty about exercising since I got back from New York. I haven't actually been to the gym since we returned. Ack. Bad girl. This always happens to me ... a couple of days go by when I get off my schedule and then the entire thing goes to hell. It sucks and it makes me feel like crap about the entire ordeal.

So please, help me! I need some inspiration! I need some words of wisdom from people who I trust! Help!!!!